Big Planet

Student mutilates data set

In academia on June 7, 2009 at 2:46 pm

De La Salle University — a disgruntled finance major, co-author of an unfinished undergraduate thesis on debt maturity structure, performs what the University Convention Against Data Torture calls “heterodox methods in extorting valuable information from raw and untouched data sets.”

The academic police reports violent and immoral practices of mistreatment of numbers, including the bloody mutilation of the data’s upper and lower percentiles. “This is clearly an abuse of the windsoring procedure,” says an officer.

It was also established from the scenes of the crime, particularly in Excel and later on in Stata, that the variables were coerced into copulating with each other in the most vulgar manner. “We cannot tolerate how the culprit insults the numerical dignity of variables by threatening them to engage in significant relationships,” says the investigator. Three variables were identified to have been traumatized due to a linear threesome.

Furthermore, the student culprit did not discriminate on the sexes of the variables–whether they were independent or dependent, regressors or regressands, was a matter of indifference in these unethical acts. “Worse,” says the academic police, “they were also threatened to be endogenous, forcing a two-way exchange of bodily discharges.”

The said student had a nervous breakdown when the data set retaliated against his evil deeds by transgressing his a-priori expectations of the signs of their coefficients, putting his whole thesis in jeopardy.

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